The #1 Way to Deal with your Anger as a Parent

Colossians 3:12-15 – Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you must also do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.

For the past two weeks our pastor has been preaching on Colossians 3. Last week he was talking about what Paul commands us to “put off.”  Things such as malice, immorality, filthy language, lying, wrath, and anger. This week he talked about what we are to put on – those things in the passage above. But one thing that he stressed was that this is not something that we try harder to do. We cannot do all this stuff in our own strength. It made me remember my lifelong struggle with anger.

During my childhood, I never really learned how to deal constructively with my anger.  I learned how to keep it inside and not let it out.  Unfortunately, I learned too late that keeping it inside is not good for my system, and it still comes out, but in more destructive ways.  

After my divorce, I was going through counseling and I questioned why I was so good at what I called “one-liners.” Those are those statements that come from nowhere and hit below the belt. I didn’t yell or scream when I became angry, I just became mean and manipulative.

My counselor told me that it came from a lifetime of stuffing my feelings. Since I did not express my anger, it came out in mean statements. He likened it to a teapot on to boil. The anger is  steam, and if it doesn’t escape gradually it will escape violently.

I hated how mean I could be when I was angry and from that moment on I set my mind on doing better. I was not going to be mean but learn how to express my anger in less hurtful ways.

When I was pregnant with SuperStuffy, I determined that I was not going to allow my temper to get the better of me. I was going to be patient, listen to each situation with respect and without prejudice, and not accuse without knowing the facts. For the first year of his life, it was pretty easy. Once he started moving around, it got a little bit more difficult. He had his own will and his own desires and he wasn’t going to obey me just because I was mom.

When Bear Bear was born, it became even more difficult. While Stuffy didn’t rebel completely when she came home, there was definitely some rivalry going on, especially since Bear Bear was a preemie and needed more attention during the first months of her life.

When Stuffy was two and Bear Bear almost one, I left them in the living room for 30 seconds. Almost immediately I heard Bear Bear screaming. I rushed into the room and yelled something at my son that I never wanted to hear myself say. “What did you do?”

At that moment I realized that I had become the complete opposite of what I had intended. In that one situation I had turned my son into the bully and my daughter into the victim. I couldn’t do this! I went on an immediate search to figure out how not to yell at my kids. How not to create a victim/bully mentality with my children.

I found lots of good advice. My favorite book was “Mom, Jason’s Breathing on Me!” by Dr. Anthony Wolf. His premise is that parents need to remove themselves from the bickering equation unless harm will come to the kids. Yes! To let my children figure out their problems by themselves without putting parental attention into the mix.

However, figuring out when to intervene and when not to intervene turned out to be a difficult prospect, especially since I have an older, bigger, leader son and a younger, smaller, follower daughter. I messed up so many times. And I got so angry when they would argue, for two main reasons. The first and largest reason was because I couldn’t understand why they just couldn’t get along. Didn’t they realize that their argument was dumb? That they’re fighting over things that don’t even matter? The other reason I was angry was because I was angry at myself. I couldn’t and didn’t know how to deal with this situation in a better way.

It seemed to be an endless cycle. They would go for a few days getting along, showing love to each other, being unselfish, and then things would fall apart. They would fight over who got to go through a doorway first, who would get the first cookie, who was cheating on a game. Trying hard to stay out of their arguments, I would move out of earshot, breathe deeply, go work on some housework, try to zone out.  However more often than not, I would enter into the fray, with the end result being with me yelling at Super Stuffy. I hated it. Anger was taking control of me, and I was dumping my anger on my firstborn. I couldn’t get out of this cycle, no matter what I did or no matter how hard I tried.

Now, several years later, I can gratefully say that for the most part, I have been removed from that cycle. What did I do? Right now, to deal with my anger, I work hard to keep my mouth shut and completely remove myself from the situation, if not physically at least emotionally. I do this to wait until the emotions have subsided a little bit so that I don’t say anything mean. But this is not what has helped me deal with my anger. Sometimes I take long slow breaths to help myself calm down. It does help at times, and mixed with removing myself from the situation it keeps me calm.

But none of these things have helped me with the source of my anger. These are only after my anger has hit me. It’s much better if I can keep myself from getting angry in the first place. So, what do I do?

In all honesty, I only did one thing. I prayed. After all of my reading, research, and trying really hard, I had completely failed in breaking out of my anger cycle. I needed to completely let go and let God handle it. However, in all honesty, when I prayed, I don’t know if I really trusted that He would answer.

The Lord, in His grace, answered my prayer even when I doubted His answer. It took some time, but I do not get angry so much any more. When I examine my own heart, I still don’t really know what has changed. I only know that He has answered my prayer. I am still not perfect, and I get angry sometimes, but I have learned how to let God take control of my days. It is a matter of surrender, trusting that He will guide me in the middle of all my duties and my play.

The list of virtues that we are commanded to put on in Colossians is not a command to try harder, to work in our own strength to adopt all those things. Ultimately that list is a picture of Christ.  I cannot adopt those virtues for myself.  The harder I try in my own strength, the farther away I get from looking like Christ. For my part, I just need to let go and trust Him. He wants me to have these characteristics, He knows that I can’t do it myself, so I know that He will give me these as I walk close to Him.  I know that He has me in His hand, and He will guide me where He wants me to go. Praise Him for His mercy and grace.