Am I OK?

We have a very special kind of paranoia going on around our house lately. Dozens of times each day we will hear “Am I OK? Both kids ask this question when they come into contact with anything that may contaminate their hands or their clothes. Bear Bear especially will ask this question to make sure that she doesn’t contaminate her stuffies. Whenever dirt, the back side of one of our animals, or any other unknown substance is touched we hear “Am I ok? The follow up to this question is always, “Can I lick my hand?” This paranoia has spawned an over abundance of hand washing, leading to extreme exzema on their hands.

I find myself getting frustrated with this situation. It is so repetitive to answer the same questions over and over. It also makes me scared that both of my kids will become so afraid of the outside world that they turn into hermits, unable to even venture from their rooms.

This is my question to the Lord…

But in thinking about this, I realized that lately I have been asking this question as well. Not about germs and contamination, but about my life. In a lot of ways I feel as if I am going through puberty again. I don’t know if these thoughts are a result of menopause or something else, but I am constantly double checking myself and asking if I am OK.

It wasn’t that long ago that I felt that I had my life pretty much figured out. I knew who I was and what goals I wanted to aim for. I believed that I knew what God wanted me to do in my life. But in the past year or so I’ve lost that purpose and that understanding. I guess I am once again asking the question,” Is this enough? Am I OK in what I am doing?” I don’t feel as if I’m accomplishing very much. I’m not doing much to change the world that I live in, and do my days really make a difference?

Am I doing enough?

I know that being a wife and a homeschooing mom is very important. I really don’t want to do anything else. But in the end what use is all the academic learning that we experience in our home each day? I strongly believe that Jesus will come to take us home within my lifetime. But if that’s true, then what is the point of all this academic learning? Why teach them math, science, history, and writing? The huge temptation to just chuck it all and just enjoy our family togetherness assaults me every single morning. Each day that one or the other of the children ask me if we can take the day off I secretly agree. But we keep “doing school” because that it what I am expected to do.

I feel as if who I am is changing. How I teach my kids, how I process my thoughts, how I respond to others is changing in a fundamental way, and I feel so frustrated about it. I can’t find anything in my life that I want to pursue with all of my heart and soul. Yes, I love my family and my God with all my heart and soul, but I am missing that drive to pursue my passions intensely. I don’t know where that passion has gone, but I do know that I want it back. Super Stuffy expresses it the best: “I just don’t know what to do, mom. I don’t have a passion for anything right now.” This loss of my passion scares me tremendously. Nothing seems to be normal, and I am scared that I will never find my “normal” again.

What purpose does the Lord have for me?

As I am writing this, I am again spending time out in the warm sunshine, listening to the birds sing, seeing the clear blue sky, and enjoying the fresh air. It’s gorgeous, but I still question, “Why?” What purpose do you have for me right now, Lord? Am I still doing what you want me to do? Does He get frustrated with my constant questioning “Am I OK?” No, I know that He doesn’t. The Bible says that He loves me and that I can come to Him with anything. He hears my cry every time I turn to Him.

Each blog post is supposed to end with some advice, answer some important question, or give a solution to some problem that you as my reader have. This one ends with a question mark. I still don’t know the answer to all my questions. But in writing this post and asking the Lord my questions again, He answers me with this: “Come to me. I AM the answers to these questions. Keep coming to Me every time you question. Just rest in Me. You don’t need to know all the answers. Just let go and let Me guide you. I will give you enough light for the next step. And I am walking right beside You.”

HE IS THE ANSWER. That’s it! He is the answer to my why’s and what’s the point. He’s got this. I am going to end this blog post with a short poem that Super Stuffy wrote in this past week: