Forgiveness and Family

It took a long time to understand what forgiveness truly means.

For a long time, the true meaning of forgiveness has eluded me. The dictionary gives the meaning of forgiveness as “the act of forgiving”. Really helpful, right? Not really. Growing up I had learned all about how God forgives our sin, that He sees us as if we had never sinned. Jesus’ death and resurrection paid the debt that my sin incurred.

But He also said that if we did not forgive our neighbor, then we ourselves would not be forgiven. As I matured in the Lord I learned that it did not mean that I lose my salvation, but that I lose my fellowship with God. I cannot have a close relationship with the Lord if I am holding unforgiveness toward someone in my life.

Learning how to Forgive

Throughout my life, there have been two people who I have found it especially difficult to forgive. The first person hurt me terribly when I was a young child, and the consequences of that have deeply affected who I am to this day. What did it mean to forgive this person? Did it mean that I needed to be a best friend? Do I need to pursue a relationship with that person? What if they are truly in the wrong? I can’t let them get away with it, can I? Does forgiveness mean that there doesn’t need to be any retribution for their offense against me? How fair would that be? For a long time I had no idea what it meant to forgive.

The second person tore my heart out when I was an adult. By that time, I knew that I had to forgive. I knew that the bitterness would eat me alive if I didn’t, but I still didn’t understand how to do it. For a long time after that hurt, people would tell me that they could sense the bitterness in my spirit. It surprised me, because I thought that I had dealt with it.

Forgiveness starts with letting go

My understanding of forgiveness became clearer when I started to let go. My attitude changed toward these two people, and that is where forgiveness begins. I started to let go of my anger and my need for revenge. I allowed the Lord to soften my heart towards these two people. He reminded me that He was still with me, and that He still loved these two people as well.

But even though the Lord had helped me to begin the journey of forgiveness toward these two, I still couldn’t articulate what forgiveness truly means. The Lord had started that work inside my heart without me truly understanding what it was.

But several years ago, someone told me a definition of forgiveness that I could sink my teeth into. It put forgiveness within easy reach for my heart. I heard this: “Forgiveness is letting go of your right to get back at someone.” For the first time, I truly understood what real forgiveness should be. I can choose to let go or hold on, but forgiveness is letting go.

We all offend each other, and we all need to forgive

Offense is truly in the eye of the beholder. How many times do we take offense at something that someone else says or does when the intention of that person had no offense in it? But I have also learned that even if I am in the right and the other person is truly trying to offend, I still need to let go. The bitterness that anger and unforgiveness deposit in my heart leaves much more damage to my spirit than the “revenge” that I could ever apply to the person who had hurt me. Nowhere is that clearer than in the day to day life of family.

Forgiveness in the midst of stress

This past week all four of us have been working hard to dig a foundation for a three stall garage that is coming from our family farm to our house. To save money, we have built our own concrete forms, placed our own gravel, and leveled it out ourselves. It is hard work! My husband did the bulk of the work, but Super Stuffy and I helped to build the forms, carry them to the site, and place the gravel.

We put the gravel down this past Saturday, and I thought that leveling the gravel was the hardest. My husband built the screed to stretch across the floor and he moved it back and forth across the floor of the garage. As he sawed it back and forth, the three of us would pull on it to help move it along. When we encountered a low spot in the gravel we shoveled more gravel where it needed to be. We also bent over and threw out the large rocks that came with the gravel.

We all experienced what I like to term “grumpy”. Tempers flared and produced several temper tantrums. Feelings were hurt, and tears flowed at times. But even though I was grumpy as well, I realized that our choice to forgive each other gave us a good night.

If we had allowed those little offenses to take root in our hearts, then our night with each other would have been miserable. That bitterness would begin to damage our relationships with each other. But we each let go of our hurt feelings, realizing that we were all tired and sore. We were able to enjoy our weekly pizza night with each other, and even had several good laughs later on.

Forgiveness is a daily sacrifice

I am learning that forgiveness is not just letting go of the large offenses, but it is a daily giving up of the small ones. We offend each other daily, most days more than once. Sometimes the offense tears deeply, and we feel justified in holding on to our bitter feelings and our need to exact retribution. But denying that forgiveness tears our hearts and our relationships thousands of times more than the initial hurt.

I have not arrived to the point where I can forgive anyone anything. There is now one person in my life that I struggle to find forgiveness for. This person has not hurt me directly, but has hurt people that I love the most.

I think that it makes it all the more difficult because the offenses keep coming. I struggle to find forgiveness and even love for this person, but I know that God has called me and commanded to forgive. This is one instance where I need to ask Him to help me forgive. I even need His help to give me the desire to forgive.

Do you have someone in your life that you are struggling to forgive? One way to start is to pray for that person. Ask the Lord to help you to let go of your bitterness and hurt. He will give you a love for that person that comes from Him. He has forgiven us for so much. As we learn how to forgive other people that He has placed in our lives, we learn more about His forgiveness for us. Praise the Lord!