I’m Drowning, Lord!
Throughout my life, I have had times where I felt on top of the world and able to handle almost anything that comes my way. At other times I have felt like I hit rock bottom and I was drowning or suffocating under a thick blanket. A lot of times, it helps me a great deal when I am able to write out my prayer to the Lord. For some reason, writing out my feelings helps me to release them and get them out of my heart. A while back, when I once again felt like I was drowning, this is the prayer that I prayed.
My prayer:
“I feel so, ugh, I’ve messed up so many times. I’ve messed up so much. I don’t understand why you just don’t throw up your hands and say, “You’re done..” I can’t stay on top of what my kids need. I feel like I’m letting them down all the time. I know I’m letting you down. I sin constantly. I get mad at my husband. I don’t know what to do. Both of my kids have broken toes. I forgot to help get Bear Bear ready for her tae kwon do testing with her portfolio and her writing. The house needs to be cleaned. I have to make sure that I’m up to date on all the hockey stuff. And schoolwork. That’s one big place where I feel like I’m messing up so much.
Do you still hear me? I’m afraid that all of the promises that you made no longer apply to me. I’ve sinned too much. But I have no one else to turn to. No one else to talk to. You’re the only One who I know understands. But do you still love me? Lord, I just, I want to be righteous and I want to stay with you. And yet I go off on my own so often. I’m so tired of it. But I don’t know what to do, where to go. I try to do my best and it’s never enough. What’s the difference between excellence and perfection? What’s the difference between righteous and unrighteous? You. But how in the world can I be who you want me to be when I mess up and sin so often? What do you want me to do? How am I supposed to be a mom and a wife and a teacher all at the same time? My kids are growing up. I’m so afraid that I am failing them so badly. What do you want me to do? I’ve always been just average. Not excellent in anything. Not extraordinary. I don’t even know how to pray. Lord, if you still love me, please show me. If I am honestly and truly doing what you want me to do, show me. You are my only hope. “
God’s Response
“I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
“There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
My response:
How do I know if I’m in the Lord? How do I know if I’m in Christ Jesus? Believe and be saved. I know I believe. In my heart I know I believe. And that’s really all that it is. I acknowledge my sin. I have sinned against you. But you have promised that if I confess my sins that you are faithful and you are just and you will cleanse me from all unrighteousness. So I am going to believe that you will do that.
You have promised that you love me with an everlasting love and that nothing can separate me from that love. NOTHING can separate me from that love. Lord, I have so many things in my mind and on my heart that I need to do. My to do list feels like it’s ten miles long. And I continually have to make the choice of what to do first and what to put off until later. It’s so overwhelming. Most of the time I feel like I’m always only doing what’s urgent because that’s all I have time for. When I finally get some time to relax or time to rest I feel guilty for taking that time.. because no matter how hard I try my to do list doesn’t get any shorter.
I know that my kids are my number one priority. But my to do list is always couched in that I’m doing all of this for my children. And in a way I am. My kids need clean clothes they need clean dishes, they need food, they need time with their mama. Lord, I’m so tired of making all of these decisions all by myself. What should I do?
I know that you have led me in the past. You’ve led me in those decisions. But I guess I’m asking once again please lead me. Show me what is most important on my to do list and help me to have the focus and the strength and the endurance to be efficient. Show me what is most important. I am incomplete without you. Lord fill up my heart. Fill up my heart with your righteousness and your love so that I can love my husband, so that I can love my children. Heal my heart. Lord, help me to believe that you are as eager, more eager than I am to come back.
I feel alone so easily…
It is so easy for homeschool moms to feel alone. It is so easy for me to feel alone. We are by ourselves all day with our children. When I see other homeschooling moms, I only see what they want me to see. Because I do the same thing. I show my best side. Nobody else sees our chaos, our noise, our inconsistencies. Even my husband really has no idea what goes on in our house and school every day. It is so hard to share with anyone else my homeschool struggles and victories. We live in a society where we always have to project perfection. Even when we all know that nobody is perfect.
So most of the time I find myself drowning and suffocating under the weight of everything that I have to do each day. I only hope that I can get 10% of everything that I need to do done.
I know that I am not the only homeschooling mom who feels like this most of the time. We are looking forward to summer, but that just seems to trade one type of busyness for another. So how in the world do I find out what’s important and let go of everything else? What can I cling to when I feel like I am drowning?
Clinging to prayer and trust in the Lord
After 14 years, I have found only one thing that works consistently: Prayer and trust. I have learned that if I pray for God to guide me each day and then go about my day trusting Him, that He will lead me. For a long time I struggled with how to know what He wanted me to do each day. But an online sermon from one of my favorite pastors helped me understand how to find God’s will in each and every day:
When the Israelites were in the desert, God led them by a pillar of fire by night and a cloud by day. I had always imagined that the cloud was in a pillar shape as well. However, the cloud could have been cloud cover, so the Israelites would move through the desert by getting under the cloud – where “it’s cool”. So if I entrust my heart and my day to the Lord, then I can follow my heart, because He is leading it. If my heart leads me astray, then I know that He will get me back on the right path.
Trusting the Lord to guide me won’t necessarily take the weight off my back. I need to let go of the weight, and sometimes that is a lot harder. But if I let go of it, and let the Lord take care of it, then I can also let go of my worry.
Do you ever have times when your to do list and the anxiety over it cause you to feel like you’re drowning? Leave a comment and let me know!
