Love Must Let Go – part 2

                              Love Must Let Go

A few weeks ago, I had some practice once again in learning how to let go of my children.  It broke my heart. For two days I was physically ill from wondering what was going to happen. I had a headache from holding back my tears, my eyes felt dried out, my stomach hurt from the stress, and I felt completely alone.

Bear Bear decided that she wanted to try out school.  We picked Tuesday of that week to be the day that she would go, and she loved every minute of it.   At the end of the school day she told me all about it, and she even made a new friend.  It seemed to me that they were “bosom friends” like Anne Shirley and Diana Barry. 

She wanted to go to school full time. My entire world was crashing to the ground.  What was I going to do?

My heart felt torn to pieces.  On one hand, I was overjoyed that my baby had stepped out on her own to take a risk and found out that it was worth it.  In the opposite hand, my fear took control of my mind and my emotions.  I am to this day firmly convinced that God has called me to homeschool my children.  It is a responsibility that I don’t take lightly.  How could I let go of her?

If Bear Bear chose to go off to school, I was afraid that our relationship would never be the same.  I wouldn’t be able to see her throughout the day, and she would start to pull away from me.  Teaching her is something I want desperately.  I want to have her hugs throughout the day.  It should be me who gets to see her learn, to see how her mind is working and to be able to talk to her throughout each day.

What would happen to Super Stuffy?  He has no interest in going to school and so he would be on his own all day, every day.  He needs his sister.  Playing and working by himself is very difficult for him.

My feelings were telling me that our relationship would never be the same.  School would change her so much that she would begin to pull away from me.  I looked at her pictures and started to cry, because if she went to school I would miss so much of her growing up.  I tried to talk to my husband about it, but he didn’t really understand how I was feeling. 

My mind automatically goes to the worst case scenario, but at this moment I could not think logically.  All I could see was my little girl growing away from me, developing contempt for me.  I feared that she would try to change herself to fit what her friends think is cool.  My fear said that everything that I have done for her spirit and her heart would be wiped away by going to school.  I wasn’t sure if I could handle this.

The night after her day at school she had a nightmare so she came to cuddle with me.  It healed my broken heart a little bit, but the next morning our spirits seemed to be separated.  I had to ask her for a hug.

But I didn’t want my fear and my feelings to stand in the way of what she wanted to do. I knew that I could very easily manipulate her into staying home. Her heart is so soft and I know that she loves me. I couldn’t show her how I was feeling because I knew that she would feel bad and decide only on that basis that she doesn’t want to go to school. If that was the only reason, then I knew that she would regret not going and she would resent me for not letting her go.  What is best for Bear Bear?  I needed to try hard once again to let go of her.

I kept hoping that if she tried school for awhile that she would decide that she doesn’t want to do it and choose to come back home. But she is so social that I know that she would miss her friends. My fear of rejection and the fact that I am an introvert keep me from scheduling as many playdates as I know I should. Sometimes I have felt that I have let her down in so many ways.

I was so scared. How would I handle this?  I knew that I could never let go of her in my own strength.  I believed that this lesson was another installment in learning how to trust in the Lord. Could I let go of my baby girl? I felt as if I would never have her again. Our relationship would never be the same, and we would never be the friends that we have been for these first years of her life.

I knew that I shouldn’t let my fear control my heart.   I wanted to do what is best for my daughter. Where was my fear coming from? Was I just afraid because I don’t want to lose her love? Did I fear because I don’t want her to get hurt? I don’t want to have to play by the school’s rules. I don’t want to turn the education of my child over to somebody else. SHE IS MINE! I want to educate her, I want to be there for all her ideas and learning.

But if homeschooling her is not ideal, either, then I don’t want to stifle her. We are her parents. Should this be a decision that we make for her or should we allow her the choice? The other question is, how could we possibly afford it? We both have agreed that we don’t want to put her in our public school, but it would be a significant hardship to put her in the Christian school. 

At this point, I just knew that I would miss my little girl. She would grow up and I wouldn’t be able to see it. I absolutely hated this feeling. I felt as if I needed to see her, to connect with her again so that I could reassure myself that our relationship was still ok. How could I let go?

After one day, she decided that she didn’t want to go to school.  I fought hard to contain my excitement and relief while reassuring her that I wouldn’t try to stop her if she wanted to go to school.  The burden lifted off my shoulders.  But it made me think.  Once again, how would I respond if once again she decided to go to school?  Would it be easier to trust that the Lord holds her?  Or would I go through the same feelings that I went through before?   I’m afraid that I failed this particular lesson. 

Sometimes I wonder if I am a complete coward by keeping my children with me.  I know that others might consider me to be a coward.  But I do believe that God has blessed me by allowing me to teach them myself.  If He chooses to teach me this lesson of putting my kids in school, then I need to believe that He will give me the strength to do it.  Whatever He commands me to do, He will give me the grace to do.  Keeping my children home with me is one of the greatest blessings of my life.  This was another opportunity for me to learn that love must let go.