Thanks for Looking Out for Me

Over the years that I have been a mama, my biggest parenting fear has been sibling rivalry. I don’t know how to handle it. Almost from the time that Bear Bear was born I was researching how to deal with the sibling rivalry that I knew was coming. The last thing that I wanted was to create the situation that I grew up with. My brother and I fought a lot, and today we have no relationship whatsoever. I want my children to be friends.  However, we had a few things working against us. First, Bear Bear was born 5 weeks premature after an emergency c-section. She had some problems with breathing and eating, and she also was unable to completely use her neck muscles. So the default for us was to take special care of her. 

Another thing working against us was that Super Stuffy was (and is) very big for his age. Right now at ten years old, he only has a few inches to go before he is taller than me. He grows between two and three inches every year, so it is very easy for him to overpower his sister.  

The final thing working against us has been the personalities of both Super Stuffy and Bear Bear. Super Stuffy has a leader type personality. He works hard to get his way and I have had to work with him to curb his talent for manipulation. Bear Bear has a follower type personality, so it became very easy for Super Stuffy to push his way into getting what he wanted.

I was very aware of creating a bully/victim situation, and I did not want to go there. However, try as I might not to, I went there anyway. Every time there was an argument, I went through my own argument with myself. Do I stay out of it, allowing them to work through it on their own? If I did that, Bear Bear would get practice standing up for herself. Or do I rescue her when she can’t take care of it on her own? But if I am always rescuing her, then she will come to believe that she can’t stand up for herself, and Super Stuffy will believe that all I’m doing is picking on him.

The other dilemma I have with their arguing is that I don’t know what consequences to apply to it. Most of their arguments stem from Super Stuffy wanting attention from either myself or Bear Bear. He will irritate Bear Bear to get attention or because he is bored. Most of the time, Bear Bear is just minding her own business doing her own thing when Super Stuffy will bother her. How do I apply consequences then? It’s not Bear Bear’s fault that they are in an argument, but I also don’t want Super Stuffy to feel as if all I do is yell at him.

I have struggled with this for almost 8 years. I have read so many books on sibling rivalry, trying to find that one answer that will solve all my problems. Why can’t they just get along? Why do they have to fight over whose turn it is to use the computer or what movie to watch on Friday night?

I have repeatedly discussed sibling rivalry with my mentor mom and friend. Once again she said that I need to apply a consequence that gives a little bit of pain, and apply it consistently. The only thing that works for Super Stuffy is to take away some of his screen time, so that is what I decided to do.

All of their arguments follow the same pattern. Super Stuffy does something to irritate Bear Bear, she screams, and then I come in and yell. It happens almost every time. Most of the time, the only way I know that they are arguing is when I hear Bear Bear scream. So I told Super Stuffy that every time I hear Bear Bear scream he would have to take off 15 minutes of screen time.

This is a dangerous thing to do. If Bear Bear figures out that all she has to do is scream then she would start to take advantage of it. I told Super Stuffy that we would take it on a case by case basis. One thing that we do have with both of our children is a good deal of open communication. We have made it a point to make sure that they know that they can come to us with anything. So if Super Stuffy feels that it’s not fair, he can plead his case.

When I first started using this consequence, I had to use it frequently.  It sounds very easy to say that you are going to apply a consequence, but my biggest difficulty is applying any consequence with consistency.  As time went on, Super Stuffy realized that as he made the choice to irritate his sister, that consequence would be applied.  I do not have to apply it as often anymore. In the beginning, Super Stuffy would attempt to have fun by irritating Bear Bear. Bear Bear would say no, or stop it, and Super Stuffy would just continue. Knowing that he would not stop, Bear Bear would scream.

The last time this happened, Super Stuffy knew that the consequence would be applied. His first temptation was to blame his sister, but he stopped himself in time and removed himself from the situation.  This is one of my greatest goals in raising my children, teaching them to have self control.  I love it when I see my children purposely take control of their emotions.  

We had a good talk. He asked me why he keeps doing these things. I told him that it’s normal for a ten year old boy to mess with his sister, but that it’s my job to help him learn how to do better. When a girl says stop, then he needs to learn to stop immediately. I need to help him by applying a little bit of pain now, to prevent a whole lot of pain later.

A few minutes later everything was resolved and Super Stuffy was back to playing his game. I went to him, wrapped my arms around him and told him that I loved him. He said something that warmed my heart. He said, “Mom, thanks for looking out for me.”

This one moment and one statement makes all the frustrations worth it. It also gives me a glimpse into the heart of my child. His heart is tender and sweet, and I can still touch it. These connections that I make with my son now will help our relationship as he grows older. 

Do you have moments like these in your parenting? I would love to hear about them.